Xanax for Gay Summer Wedding Planning

Stock up on your favorite anxiety remedies before planning your wedding.

Every book about wedding planning should begin with having you take a look inside your medicine cabinet.  That’s right, the one in the bathroom with the mirrored door. Here’s a checklist of what you should have in stock:

Valium – check

Ativan – check

Xanax – check

Antidepressant – check

Sleep aides of various sorts, your preference – check

If you do not have these you should go see your doctor post-haste and say, “We’re planning our wedding.”  They will understand and probably throw in some free samples.

One weekend you two will decide that it would be fun to visit your local Crate and Barrel or Macy’s or Pottery Barn to put items on your wedding gift registry.  We had the same thought. The nice salesperson, who seemed eager to exercise her newly-acquired diversity training, promptly told us that she had helped a lovely lesbian couple with their wedding and it was such fun!  We felt welcomed and conspicuous which was better than unwelcomed and conspicuous.  I overlooked the comment because I just wanted to check out the wand that scanned the product codes and magically added items to our registry.  Cool!  We breezed through the wine glasses chiming, “hell yea, we NEED these!”   Then the vases, “well, we don’t need them, but you know we won’t buy it for ourselves and flowers will look so good in the new house we are going to buy in our fantasy life.” “Pots and pans and sheets, oh my!”  Things were going along fine until we hit the towel section.  There were so many brands, different thicknesses, a hundred colors, bath towels, bath sheets, hand towels, finger towels, wash cloths, $15, $25, even $95 for one towel!  Scan the blue ones.  No, delete that, look at these with the stripe.  Scan.  But these are just as nice but a better deal.  Delete. Scan. Scan. Delete… That’s when we bonked, right there between the Ralph Lauren Triple Stripe and the Martha Stewart Sea Shell Collection.  We could see the signs of mental and emotional overwhelm in each other and knew it was time to take five (aka run like hell).

We turned in our scanner, told the saleslady we needed a break, and headed for the nearest coffee shop for hydration and to re-group.  Helen pulled a medicine bottle from her purse.  I smiled and remembered why I love her so much.  She wisely said NO we cannot have a whole Xanax – then I learned a new term: chipping.  She gave us each a broken off piece of that little pill and I popped it into my mouth like a tic tac.  I felt pleased that we knew our limits (in shopping, and medication).  It turns out our freak out wasn’t just about the towels.  We started to peel back conflicting feelings around the whole concept of the registry — like, did we really need this stuff?  Were we just falling prey the the wedding industrial complex’s heavy marketing?  Were we being selfish and extravagant?  Or was it just fine, expected, traditional, wonderful, even?  It felt good to unravel the emotions and make a conscious choice around our registry.  It turns out we didn’t need the extra fancy towels, but we actually did want a set that matched and didn’t have frayed ends.

We took a deep breath and returned for round 2 with the pricing scanner. To be honest, I never felt any effect from the Xanax.  So maybe the second best tip (after pharma wedding bliss) is to stop, take a break, reconnect with your fiance, and explore what deeper feelings might lie beneath the surface — no matter what task is at hand.

Enjoy your new towels, and your queer wedding!

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